You may be my Lucky Star..

Today were the viewings.  I cried early on, then was fine. At the end, we were all crying.

I tried to kneel and say my final goodbye.  I couldn't convince myself that it was actually my Grandmother in the coffin.  I shed tears whispering to her, but I felt empty.. Disconnected, really.  I felt that my final goodbye in the hospital Monday night was my closure. 

Monday night.  Certainly one of the saddest days in my life.  Tracey seemed to think the unplanned complete family gathering on Sunday was an omen. Perhaps it was.  I'm just so glad we could provide her with that last family gathering where we all got to talk to her and see her one last time before the turn for the worst.

I'll never forget Danny's call. I'll never forget the quiver in his voice and the sobs we shared over the phone. I'll never forget the trip to the hospital while talking to Andy and the moist tissues scattered in my front seat.

I could hear her lungs from outside of the room. Granddad watched her struggle with the breathing treatment. He's a stone, but I felt his heart breaking. "It tears me apart to see her like this."  Aunt Laura came as the doctor was giving us the summary on Grandmom. Death process. Dying. Pneumonia will kill her. These words swirled around my head as the rest of the world stood still. I reached for a tissue. No, I had to be strong for Granddad. And I was. Up until I witnessed the last time he'd ever see his wife alive.  The last kiss on the forehead. The last warmth he'd feel of her skin.

I stayed for almost two hours after he left.  I sat curled up in the recliner and cried.  I attempted to pull myself together so I wasn't a sobbing mess when I talked to her.  I rolled over to her, put her hand in mine and rubbed her fingers with my thumb. I thought I gained composure, but as words left my mouth, tears flowed from my eyes.  I had a feeling this was it, which made it even harder.  This was my chance.. It was up to me to not let my brothers, or myself, down. 

I told her Andy received her Christmas card. I told her he is very grateful for everything she has done for him and that he loves her very much. I told him he is so very sorry he can't be there to see her, and that if he could find a way, he would. 

I told her that she had missed Danny coming in to see her.  That he came to visit before work so she could see him in his uniform in person, and that he had brought the medals he earned so she could see how hard he worked, but that she was sleeping and he left a note.. One she never got to read. I told her he loves her very much, he just wanted to make her proud, and he appreciates her support and everything she had done for him.

I told her I was sorry this had to happen to her and she didn't deserve it or the suffering. I told her I loved her, and I will never forget how wonderful of a person she is.  I thanked her for all she had done. I told her I would make her proud like Danny has. I asked her to always be with me.. When I graduate, when I get married, and when I have my children.

I told her the whole family will miss her very much, and that I hoped she could hang in there because Granddad and Aunt Laura were coming to see her in the morning. Hang in there, hang in there.  I squeezed her hand. Then I started sobbing.  I didn't want to leave because I knew that would be the last time I'd see her.

I blotted her nose, and went back to holding and rubbing her hand.  Her skin was paper-thin and marked with deep purple bruising. The top of her hand was dry, flaking in some spots. But her hands were warm, and I could periodically feel her fingers twitch against mine. I'd like to think she was trying to tell me in her sleep that she heard me.  I pray she was able to hear me.

A half of a box of tissues later, I said my final goodbye.  I kissed her on the forehead, told her I loved her, and gave her one last squeeze of the hand. "I'll see you soon."

Soon became today. But it wasn't really seeing her at all. Her soul was in heaven, not laid out in the casket.

I couldn't face my Father without tearing up. I tried to stay strong, but at the end it was impossible.  When we saw Granddad approach the casket to say goodbye for the last time, I couldn't hold back anymore. Danny and I cried. I feel so much heartache and pain for him. Not only do I hurt for myself, but I hurt for everyone in that room today. I'm just so angry.  She spent her entire life giving. She gave as a Wife, as Sister, as Mother, and as a Grandmother. Family-Always-Came-First.  She did so much good and she received the worst fate. She didn't deserve this. Most people wouldn't deserve this, but her especially. Why her?

The funeral is tomorrow morning. Tomorrow will be the worst part.  Healing will allow to start thereafter. I suppose it has to get worse before it can get better.

 

"If you were with me tonight. I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big, God couldn't let it live."


If you're out there, Grandmom. I will always love you. I know you know that, but I just want to make sure. <3

 

I really miss the old LiveJournal-obsessed days. :o(



Is there anyone out there..??


( ((Echo)) )


*Sigh* It'll never be the same.

While I lounge in a padded, rolly chair at the large, handicapped table which I [luckily] managed to snag today, I simply cannot direct my attention toward my Sociology professor's lecture, as it has been this way for weeks. I have other things on my mind. My mind has been preoccupied with other thoughts that are entangled with hopes and dreams which are slowly evolving into an unexpected reality.

Even though I do not wish to stamp a curse on this course of unrestrained, indefectible events, I want to document this for my own good. I want to look back on this and vividly remember my current feelings. I would like to read these entries, close my eyes, and be able to relive the electricity running through my bloodstream. What I really wish is to feel this way for the rest of my life; however, I have already accepted the fact that the likeliness of such fortune is impeccably slim. I choose to live in the moment and not stare solely into an uncertain future. So here goes nothing.

Twenty years old, and I am experiencing immense amounts of serotonin dispensing through my veins on a daily basis for the first time. Six months ago, I would have sworn up and down that I would die alone in a one-bedroom apartment with ninety-three cats. -- I don't even like cats, but that's the predisposed obligation to a miserable, old bachelorette, you know.

My idea of "like" toward someone had been misunderstood. Somewhere along the line, I forgot to read the chapter on "Authentic Emotional Connections" and simply gravitated toward attention which I had fed off of for so long. Big mistake. It caused a lot of problems, a lot of hurt feelings, and above all, an insane amount of self-esteem issues in which I battle against on a day-to-day basis.. Issues that have been forever burned into my consious and had nearly killed me at one point.

What are these feelings I speak of now? Indescribable. They're not butterflies, but wild animals locked behind my ribcage. He leaves me breathless.. I am drenched in not just a feeling, but a physical state of pure intoxication. My world spins, and I want to raise my arms into the air like during the dips of a rollercoster rather than brace myself so I can come back down to Earth. I want nothing but to swoop through the clouds and feel infinite for all eternity.

Why didn't someone tell me I was missing out on something so spectacular?

This guy I have absolutely fallen head-over-heels for showed interest last night.. This never, ever, ever happens. Therefore: It made my life worth living. :o)

As the hours wind down, I can feel myself becoming anxious. What should I say? What will he say? What should I say back to that? What if I say something stupid? I'm going to say something dumb.. .. (Set the play-mode to repeat)

The effect he has on me is purely inexplicable. Once I catch a glimpse, I'm in another world. I blank, I can't focus, I drop things, I knock stuff over.. I'm stupified.

My heat races, my knees get weak.. When he looks into my eyes, I melt. After he leaves, I brace myself against the counter as I recollect myself and regain composure.


I pray to any existing God that this is my can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series.